Inner Realm Regarding Men |
Reclaim Your Life From Depression
Over the years, I have amassed a plethora of book titles as well as books
and articles that I’ve taken from magazines and newspapers on male
depression. The good news is that across the board, writers and readers are
acknowledging male depression as a force to be reckoned with. The women
and children who live with depressed men already know this. The last thing
we men need, though, is to be pathologized, diagnosed or labeled. This is
not the approach for us to use with men either on a personal level or a
professional level. The implication, message and treatment cannot be that we’
re flawed, lacking, not normal, sick, defective or something “not enough”. I’m
here to tell men that depression, however we define it, does not have to be in
our lives. Yet, we are the only ones who can take that first step which is an
internal willingness to change how we are conducting our lives. Guys, I want
to be thoroughly encouraging about how “doable” this is. Taking charge of
our lives is a courageous and manly thing to do.
In some ways, depressed men are worse off than depressed women.
Men are less likely to recognize their condition because of an innate inability
to determine feelings or lack thereof. Feelings like anger, shame, sadness,
fear and “non feelings” like apathy, hopelessness and low self-esteem mask
depression. Even when men know what they’ve got and use this “d” word,
they’re less likely to acknowledge it to others or to seek treatment of any kind.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 3 to 4 million men suffer
from clinical depression and the rate is rising. Because men are less likely
than women to seek help, depression takes a greater toll on men. Men are 4
to 6 times more likely than women to commit suicide. Men have significantly
higher rates of alcoholism and drug abuse that often obscure depression.
Doctors too may have to get past their own biases that see women as
inherently more emotional and accept their crying and their expression of
emotional distress which they may not do for men. They may see men more
in a physical, concrete, non-emotional way and thus concentrate only on
sleeping, eating and exercise and not enough on moods, absence of
feelings, irritability, and inappropriate expressions of feelings such as rage.
Bottom line is that all doctors and mental health practitioners need to know
the right questions to ask male clients in particular. There is a statistic that
states that medical doctors fail to detect expression in 60/70% of depressed
men. Men add to the confusion not only by not getting help but also by
convincing themselves they’re ok or going through a stage. Men, this “stage”
can literally last a lifetime!
I’ve often explained to men that though we say we “feel” depressed,
depression implies a depressing or pushing down, a suppression or
repression of feelings…the whole gamut: anger, sadness, joy, fear, shame.
The more a man feels and expresses these, the less he is “depressed”. We
men have been programmed and socialized not to express feelings from
within. Only anger is an “acceptable” male emotion and we men use it and
misuse it to the detriment of all especially ourselves as it often gets us into
hot water. Often the women in our lives are the ones to tell us that we’re not
connecting on deep enough levels and this is often because we’re not
expressing well or at all. The cost is high on our relationships and on our
bodies. My experience as a therapist with individuals as well as with my wife
in couples therapy, which we do together, tells me that when both men and
women say “we have communication issues” what they mean is that healthy
truthful direct expression of feelings is not occurring. If two people, or one of
the two in the couple, are holding shields or weapons, or are wearing masks
or are behind layers of plexiglass, the communication of feelings cannot
occur. Does this ring a bell for you?
There is a relief from the pain that we men carry and have carried
most or all of our lives. It is true, though, that the first thing we have to do is
to acknowledge that we’ve had pain and we have numbed it with “sex, drugs,
or rock n roll” and plenty of other methods. Secondly, we have to be willing to
show up and tell someone what’s going on or allow someone to ask us the
right questions. What we have to learn is what Pia Mellody (internationally
well-known therapist) has identified as 5 functions that can be learned in
order to boost ourselves. These are self-esteem, self-protection, self-
knowledge, self-care and self-moderation.
Depression on any level is very treatable with several options or
combinations. Cognitive therapy is a form of talk therapy that helps men to
reframe their view of life and the world. Medication is available for the
appropriate persons and situations. And, there are several holistic energy
modalities that are also healing. Being an informed consumer is crucial.
Family therapy or couples therapy is helpful to a depressed man but may be
a second choice to individual therapy. A men’s group or workshop is a venue
for support and expression. Sobriety from any substance or behavior is
crucial to healing depression. Exercise is a proven way to increase serotonin
in the brain and is a valuable adjunct to talk therapy. Help is available. Face
to face contact with a professional and/or personal contact where expression
of feelings is encouraged, valued, and welcomed is a healthy way to make
movement away from depression and to start taking charge of your life.
Over the years, I have amassed a plethora of book titles as well as books
and articles that I’ve taken from magazines and newspapers on male
depression. The good news is that across the board, writers and readers are
acknowledging male depression as a force to be reckoned with. The women
and children who live with depressed men already know this. The last thing
we men need, though, is to be pathologized, diagnosed or labeled. This is
not the approach for us to use with men either on a personal level or a
professional level. The implication, message and treatment cannot be that we’
re flawed, lacking, not normal, sick, defective or something “not enough”. I’m
here to tell men that depression, however we define it, does not have to be in
our lives. Yet, we are the only ones who can take that first step which is an
internal willingness to change how we are conducting our lives. Guys, I want
to be thoroughly encouraging about how “doable” this is. Taking charge of
our lives is a courageous and manly thing to do.
In some ways, depressed men are worse off than depressed women.
Men are less likely to recognize their condition because of an innate inability
to determine feelings or lack thereof. Feelings like anger, shame, sadness,
fear and “non feelings” like apathy, hopelessness and low self-esteem mask
depression. Even when men know what they’ve got and use this “d” word,
they’re less likely to acknowledge it to others or to seek treatment of any kind.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 3 to 4 million men suffer
from clinical depression and the rate is rising. Because men are less likely
than women to seek help, depression takes a greater toll on men. Men are 4
to 6 times more likely than women to commit suicide. Men have significantly
higher rates of alcoholism and drug abuse that often obscure depression.
Doctors too may have to get past their own biases that see women as
inherently more emotional and accept their crying and their expression of
emotional distress which they may not do for men. They may see men more
in a physical, concrete, non-emotional way and thus concentrate only on
sleeping, eating and exercise and not enough on moods, absence of
feelings, irritability, and inappropriate expressions of feelings such as rage.
Bottom line is that all doctors and mental health practitioners need to know
the right questions to ask male clients in particular. There is a statistic that
states that medical doctors fail to detect expression in 60/70% of depressed
men. Men add to the confusion not only by not getting help but also by
convincing themselves they’re ok or going through a stage. Men, this “stage”
can literally last a lifetime!
I’ve often explained to men that though we say we “feel” depressed,
depression implies a depressing or pushing down, a suppression or
repression of feelings…the whole gamut: anger, sadness, joy, fear, shame.
The more a man feels and expresses these, the less he is “depressed”. We
men have been programmed and socialized not to express feelings from
within. Only anger is an “acceptable” male emotion and we men use it and
misuse it to the detriment of all especially ourselves as it often gets us into
hot water. Often the women in our lives are the ones to tell us that we’re not
connecting on deep enough levels and this is often because we’re not
expressing well or at all. The cost is high on our relationships and on our
bodies. My experience as a therapist with individuals as well as with my wife
in couples therapy, which we do together, tells me that when both men and
women say “we have communication issues” what they mean is that healthy
truthful direct expression of feelings is not occurring. If two people, or one of
the two in the couple, are holding shields or weapons, or are wearing masks
or are behind layers of plexiglass, the communication of feelings cannot
occur. Does this ring a bell for you?
There is a relief from the pain that we men carry and have carried
most or all of our lives. It is true, though, that the first thing we have to do is
to acknowledge that we’ve had pain and we have numbed it with “sex, drugs,
or rock n roll” and plenty of other methods. Secondly, we have to be willing to
show up and tell someone what’s going on or allow someone to ask us the
right questions. What we have to learn is what Pia Mellody (internationally
well-known therapist) has identified as 5 functions that can be learned in
order to boost ourselves. These are self-esteem, self-protection, self-
knowledge, self-care and self-moderation.
Depression on any level is very treatable with several options or
combinations. Cognitive therapy is a form of talk therapy that helps men to
reframe their view of life and the world. Medication is available for the
appropriate persons and situations. And, there are several holistic energy
modalities that are also healing. Being an informed consumer is crucial.
Family therapy or couples therapy is helpful to a depressed man but may be
a second choice to individual therapy. A men’s group or workshop is a venue
for support and expression. Sobriety from any substance or behavior is
crucial to healing depression. Exercise is a proven way to increase serotonin
in the brain and is a valuable adjunct to talk therapy. Help is available. Face
to face contact with a professional and/or personal contact where expression
of feelings is encouraged, valued, and welcomed is a healthy way to make
movement away from depression and to start taking charge of your life.
Joseph Maurino is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who practices in Paramus, NJ. He specializes in supporting males of all ages to deal with issues particular to men. Joseph also does couple to couple counseling with his wife, Marina. He can be reached at 201- 261-9129 |
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