Inner Realm Articles |
Loss and Grieving
By Janet StraightArrow
When things are at the worst they begin to mend. Proverb
Whether it is a death, or a job, or a relationship, or a dream, it is important and
necessary to grieve the loss of it. The process of grief can be one of the most
awakening, enlightening, beautiful that you allow yourself to go through. Allow, yes
allow, it is to let go and be open to the process that grieving can occur. We are not
taught that it is okay and an important crossroads in our lives to move through fully.
In our culture it is not okay, not to be okay. Suffering and feeling pain is avoided at
any cost. That is the job of the ego to protect you from pain and keep you going. Ego,
unhealed and filled with pain, turns on you and others. It is a wound that festers, the
longer you avoid it the more painful it becomes. It will eventually rise to the surface as
the most inconvenient times.
Unhealed experiences and wounds are the top cause of mental and physical illness.
Being fine, okay and saying it will be alright, are mantras of our times to hold back the
tide. Being afraid to let go and feel and be sad and mad, keeps you in check and able
to function on some levels. There are walls put up and doors closed to powerful,
important parts of you. This is where the true danger lies. What is also closed is your
connection to your deepest heart and soul and to others and the world. In grief, your
heart needs to heal and break open to more love and healing than you will have ever
imagined. To feel connected to life force and source is often blocked and it is like not
eating or breathing fully. You are functioning on a low level.
Who has time to grieve? I have a job to do, children to feed, a life to live, etc. Parts of
you will be stuck in the time and space of the loss until you face it, make peace with it
and go through it, whatever it takes. Avoiding grieve is impossible, it will act out
through you in unusual ways. Being safe in grief begins with you. Many are afraid
because it has not been acceptable. Buck up and deal with it is an outward or inward
message. Other people are afraid of grief themselves so they may judge or repel you
in obvious and subtle ways. I am a spiritual teacher, healer, therapist or other
authority figure so I cannot show weakness…may be your known or unknown internal
dialogue blocking you. Grieving is not weakness, with all above said, it takes
tremendous strength to face it, feel it and go through it. Being a teacher, parent or
leader, it is important to be human and real. Be the leader and let your people know
how important it is to face your humanity and losses and how to learn, grow and heal
from them completely. It takes true courage and deep wisdom to allow the process of
grief to be allowed and focused on.
There are lots of rules for grief from religions and cultures, families and friends. The
only rule for you to focus on is... doing whatever you need for as long as it takes. This
is your process and your experience and your loss. No one can tell you how, when,
where and for how long you need to grieve. If you skip steps, they will come out
sideways with emotions, thoughts, actions, or disease and pain. Allow others to be
human and support you in some ways. You may have to teach them how to be with
you. I have had people tell me they would just stay in bed and could not see how I
could be standing. I had others telling me it’s a month, now get back to work and life,
she, my daughter, is not coming back. None of those were going to be safe, healthy
support, and were not attended to by me. I did not care what others thought, I went
to my inner self and allowed myself the grace and the love I needed to survive and
feel and heal. No excuses, no reasons, you have this opportunity to be the guardian
of yourself and love yourself enough to heal.
Grieving is a healing process, it is the journey to wellness. When you have lost a
person or a dream you have been shattered in ways you do not understand, no
matter how knowledgeable you are. Each experience is unique and so are you. This
shattering opens you to new Vistas of your heart and soul and new perspectives
awaken, that free you to become more you, happy and whole, not less, because of
your loss. We are learning creatures; as a teacher, I find the most important part of
me is the ongoing student, learning in each moment. This allows me to be open to the
truth of the experience and be in it and move through it with grace, wisdom and love.
This also allows me to be present with others and able to respond to the truth of each
experience as it shows up. As a leader who follows, I learn and teach even more.
When we face others, ourselves or things with preprogrammed rules, judgments and
fears we are in a mess of trouble, and wound ourselves and others more. It’s like
looking for the moonrise at sunrise; you are many hours late and looking in another
direction from where it is.
When you are in grief, you are in shock for longer than you know. Something so
precious taken away, even if it occurred over time, hits you hard and shatters parts of
you. I felt a death blow, when my adult daughter died suddenly. Being who I am, I
was knowledgeable and strong and knew how to navigate this, trusting my inner self
and guidance; I chose life and health and rallied the attack. I employed professional
support in my apprentices, and others. It is important to find trusted allies to help you
through this time. Some survivors of death or loss have affects in varying degrees,
get sick mentally or emotionally or both, or even die soon after or within a year or so,
if they do not process and heal.
A medical friend told me to get a prescription and take drugs to remove myself from
the pain. I was in shock to hear this. For me, we are our most human in these
moments. It is important to feel so we can respond in a healthy way and take care of
ourselves.
I honor those who may need help getting through with drugs. You know best what you
need. Do everything from your deepest truth and let people know how to help. Their
way is not yours. Be in your strength and tell people what you want and need. This is
an important part of the process. You have lost someone or something dear; you
need what you need to recover.
When you grieve, it does not have to make sense or be right. You may find yourself
grieving the loss of other things from the past, along with your current loss, all normal.
Cry about the turtle who died when you were six, and the disappointment when you
lost the part you wanted in the play in seventh grade, and old losses, relationships
and deaths. The gateways to healing have been opened by your current situation.
Face, honor and let go of all as you are ready. They are an important part of healing
from today.
You may open to life long lessons in the midst of crying about your beloved loss. Do
not sidetrack yourself by saying; others have it worse so I should not be so lost or
sad. Honor yourself and your process. We have been taught to do things to take the
focus, or responsibility, off of ourselves. Not now, bring the focus back to you; you
need to do this, for your survival and health, and, to be able to be there for others in
the future.
It is okay and necessary to need, help, support and love. You begin with you, giving it
to you. Do not judge you in this. The magnitude of your despair is in relation to the
depth of your need for healing, not necessarily the current loss. Yes, if you have not
gotten this yet, grieving is all about you, and needs to be. In a self honoring way that
also honors others. Not narcissism, which dishonors and does not even see others. At
first you may find yourself the observer on autopilot, trying to do and be who you
have been. The truth is you are in extreme trauma and shock and need to be looked
after and supported. Making peace with our own pain by acknowledging it is
imperative. Nurturing ourselves through this time is the key. Loving yourself enough,
to want to be whole and happy again, is the gracious gift you require. Shutting up the
voices, that dishonor your needs and process, is also important. As I said already,
there are no rules and time frames, it takes what it takes.
You feel out of it, not fully present, not happy, or the self you always show to the
world. Exploring the deeper, farther regions of you and life, can be quite scary and
unfamiliar. Grief throws us into these places to experience. You never can go back to
being where you were. It’s like being a virgin a second time-impossible.
You can be a virgin in these new territories that you find yourself in. New at first, scary
and unfamiliar, and sometimes not acceptable…ah the rules will come to find you
when you are not looking. It is the rules, which carry the fear, judgment and
separation from yourself, that try to stop your healing process.
Facing the fear of being wrong, or different, or unable to function in the old ways-
either temporarily because of grief, or permanently because it no longer fits- is the
way through the grieving-healing process. In grief we are our most vulnerable and
need healthy boundaries and protection. There may be attacks or people pulling on
you, from unusual or even loving sources, which you will have to deflect or cut off.
Facing truth without judgment limits the drama and allows you space to get clear on
who you are, and what you need and want for yourself now. Grief can be a time of
developing great strength in your seeming vulnerability.
Instead of ego protection, which keeps you subject to pain and wounding- real
protection of zero tolerance for inappropriate behavior, can serve you better.
Learning to say no and stop people pleasing at your own expense, is quite healing
and freeing.
This is the time for self-care and nurturing, not surrendering to others. Allow others to
care for themselves and/or ask others for support, when you need all of your energy
to take care of yourself, heal and become strong. We are often not used to doing
this for ourselves, which is why many in our world are sick, in pain and depressed, not
knowing the way out to health and happiness. Yes, happiness is possible on the other
side of grief, and is our guide and salvation.
Without joy there is no beauty or expression of purpose, and experience as humans.
Life is to be lived and experienced with full appreciation and pleasure. If not, you are
living more death, than life.
This is what can happen with unresolved grief; you keep dying inside, and lose
reason to be happy and alive. Being okay when you are not really okay closes you off
from living. Our bodies and minds respond by deteriorating when your life force is
held hostage by unresolved grief and pain. You become hostile or withdrawn, a shell
of your former self. You will have to be the walking wounded for a while and feel your
sadness and pain and work through your loss to get to the other side. It is a possibility
and reality and a gift to experience your precious humanity. Making it okay too quick
is the danger. Honestly it is okay for it not to be okay, and then when you make peace
with that, you can begin to heal. How do we face and go through a most horrible
experience…with tenderness and love. Love is the only healer and reason to be alive.
So love is our compass and comfort, our savior and protector, and the answer for all
questions.
During the healing process; anger, fear, blame, judgment and righteousness may
take center stage. These are true reactions to loss, all of them, along with many other
painful ugly others. This is the not okay part we all experience in our healing process.
There is no psychologizing or spiritualizing it first, we have to let it all out to be seen
so we can face and heal all the pain from our lifetime that is creating the grief now.
Funny how one trauma or loss can be a catalyst to heal many areas of your life and
past. Not so funny when it occurs. Let go of the voices of “I have already dealt with
that.” If it shows up, you still have more releasing and forgiving and loving yourself
through it.
I like to say, it is all good. Which means what has been a hidden wound is now
exposed so you can heal it for all time. These hidden places wreck more havoc than
you can imagine on your day to day life. Anxiety, fear, bad dreams, poor
relationships, bad luck and more, all go away when you are free of these hidden
monsters.
The key in all of this is learning how to process, heal and live through these times.
I have lost much in the eyes of the world. It has been a most challenging and
awakening life. As much pain as I have suffered, I have had so much more joy,
appreciation and love than most. I lived with life and death daily for the first twenty
years of my life. This taught me to honor each moment and person as a gift, to love,
forgive and never retain anger, but make peace with myself and all. I have grieved
many losses in all arenas of my life. I have learned their purpose and not always been
happy about it, yet made peace and moved on with more love and compassion than I
would have imagined. Years of pain and loss mixed with joy and love is what life has
been about. My studies and life purpose have been to assist others on their journey
to complete healing. Grief is an important process to work with. Healing trauma and
drama brings you to full connection with others, self and source, love.
I have seen the results of unresolved problems and pain buried under overwork, food,
drugs, alcohol, shopping, victimhood and martyrdom, controlling personalities,
sickness, depression and pain. There are also subtle results, of people seeming living
a good life, and never happy or comfortable or confident or healthy. Love yourself
enough to be hurting and falling apart in order to see and feel the pain and learn to
break open to become more strong, capable, energetic, peaceful and successful in all
areas of your life and health.
In this time of great change and loss we all are wise to learn to slow down and pay
attention before we make new moves. There are lessons and new directions in
allowing the pain to redirect us to truth and possibility and prosperity. Sometimes
you need to lose in order to gain. I am not so happy with this method, we have no
choice, but I am happy with the results.
In Love and Healing, Janet StraightArrow www.OasisForTheSoul.com
By Janet StraightArrow
When things are at the worst they begin to mend. Proverb
Whether it is a death, or a job, or a relationship, or a dream, it is important and
necessary to grieve the loss of it. The process of grief can be one of the most
awakening, enlightening, beautiful that you allow yourself to go through. Allow, yes
allow, it is to let go and be open to the process that grieving can occur. We are not
taught that it is okay and an important crossroads in our lives to move through fully.
In our culture it is not okay, not to be okay. Suffering and feeling pain is avoided at
any cost. That is the job of the ego to protect you from pain and keep you going. Ego,
unhealed and filled with pain, turns on you and others. It is a wound that festers, the
longer you avoid it the more painful it becomes. It will eventually rise to the surface as
the most inconvenient times.
Unhealed experiences and wounds are the top cause of mental and physical illness.
Being fine, okay and saying it will be alright, are mantras of our times to hold back the
tide. Being afraid to let go and feel and be sad and mad, keeps you in check and able
to function on some levels. There are walls put up and doors closed to powerful,
important parts of you. This is where the true danger lies. What is also closed is your
connection to your deepest heart and soul and to others and the world. In grief, your
heart needs to heal and break open to more love and healing than you will have ever
imagined. To feel connected to life force and source is often blocked and it is like not
eating or breathing fully. You are functioning on a low level.
Who has time to grieve? I have a job to do, children to feed, a life to live, etc. Parts of
you will be stuck in the time and space of the loss until you face it, make peace with it
and go through it, whatever it takes. Avoiding grieve is impossible, it will act out
through you in unusual ways. Being safe in grief begins with you. Many are afraid
because it has not been acceptable. Buck up and deal with it is an outward or inward
message. Other people are afraid of grief themselves so they may judge or repel you
in obvious and subtle ways. I am a spiritual teacher, healer, therapist or other
authority figure so I cannot show weakness…may be your known or unknown internal
dialogue blocking you. Grieving is not weakness, with all above said, it takes
tremendous strength to face it, feel it and go through it. Being a teacher, parent or
leader, it is important to be human and real. Be the leader and let your people know
how important it is to face your humanity and losses and how to learn, grow and heal
from them completely. It takes true courage and deep wisdom to allow the process of
grief to be allowed and focused on.
There are lots of rules for grief from religions and cultures, families and friends. The
only rule for you to focus on is... doing whatever you need for as long as it takes. This
is your process and your experience and your loss. No one can tell you how, when,
where and for how long you need to grieve. If you skip steps, they will come out
sideways with emotions, thoughts, actions, or disease and pain. Allow others to be
human and support you in some ways. You may have to teach them how to be with
you. I have had people tell me they would just stay in bed and could not see how I
could be standing. I had others telling me it’s a month, now get back to work and life,
she, my daughter, is not coming back. None of those were going to be safe, healthy
support, and were not attended to by me. I did not care what others thought, I went
to my inner self and allowed myself the grace and the love I needed to survive and
feel and heal. No excuses, no reasons, you have this opportunity to be the guardian
of yourself and love yourself enough to heal.
Grieving is a healing process, it is the journey to wellness. When you have lost a
person or a dream you have been shattered in ways you do not understand, no
matter how knowledgeable you are. Each experience is unique and so are you. This
shattering opens you to new Vistas of your heart and soul and new perspectives
awaken, that free you to become more you, happy and whole, not less, because of
your loss. We are learning creatures; as a teacher, I find the most important part of
me is the ongoing student, learning in each moment. This allows me to be open to the
truth of the experience and be in it and move through it with grace, wisdom and love.
This also allows me to be present with others and able to respond to the truth of each
experience as it shows up. As a leader who follows, I learn and teach even more.
When we face others, ourselves or things with preprogrammed rules, judgments and
fears we are in a mess of trouble, and wound ourselves and others more. It’s like
looking for the moonrise at sunrise; you are many hours late and looking in another
direction from where it is.
When you are in grief, you are in shock for longer than you know. Something so
precious taken away, even if it occurred over time, hits you hard and shatters parts of
you. I felt a death blow, when my adult daughter died suddenly. Being who I am, I
was knowledgeable and strong and knew how to navigate this, trusting my inner self
and guidance; I chose life and health and rallied the attack. I employed professional
support in my apprentices, and others. It is important to find trusted allies to help you
through this time. Some survivors of death or loss have affects in varying degrees,
get sick mentally or emotionally or both, or even die soon after or within a year or so,
if they do not process and heal.
A medical friend told me to get a prescription and take drugs to remove myself from
the pain. I was in shock to hear this. For me, we are our most human in these
moments. It is important to feel so we can respond in a healthy way and take care of
ourselves.
I honor those who may need help getting through with drugs. You know best what you
need. Do everything from your deepest truth and let people know how to help. Their
way is not yours. Be in your strength and tell people what you want and need. This is
an important part of the process. You have lost someone or something dear; you
need what you need to recover.
When you grieve, it does not have to make sense or be right. You may find yourself
grieving the loss of other things from the past, along with your current loss, all normal.
Cry about the turtle who died when you were six, and the disappointment when you
lost the part you wanted in the play in seventh grade, and old losses, relationships
and deaths. The gateways to healing have been opened by your current situation.
Face, honor and let go of all as you are ready. They are an important part of healing
from today.
You may open to life long lessons in the midst of crying about your beloved loss. Do
not sidetrack yourself by saying; others have it worse so I should not be so lost or
sad. Honor yourself and your process. We have been taught to do things to take the
focus, or responsibility, off of ourselves. Not now, bring the focus back to you; you
need to do this, for your survival and health, and, to be able to be there for others in
the future.
It is okay and necessary to need, help, support and love. You begin with you, giving it
to you. Do not judge you in this. The magnitude of your despair is in relation to the
depth of your need for healing, not necessarily the current loss. Yes, if you have not
gotten this yet, grieving is all about you, and needs to be. In a self honoring way that
also honors others. Not narcissism, which dishonors and does not even see others. At
first you may find yourself the observer on autopilot, trying to do and be who you
have been. The truth is you are in extreme trauma and shock and need to be looked
after and supported. Making peace with our own pain by acknowledging it is
imperative. Nurturing ourselves through this time is the key. Loving yourself enough,
to want to be whole and happy again, is the gracious gift you require. Shutting up the
voices, that dishonor your needs and process, is also important. As I said already,
there are no rules and time frames, it takes what it takes.
You feel out of it, not fully present, not happy, or the self you always show to the
world. Exploring the deeper, farther regions of you and life, can be quite scary and
unfamiliar. Grief throws us into these places to experience. You never can go back to
being where you were. It’s like being a virgin a second time-impossible.
You can be a virgin in these new territories that you find yourself in. New at first, scary
and unfamiliar, and sometimes not acceptable…ah the rules will come to find you
when you are not looking. It is the rules, which carry the fear, judgment and
separation from yourself, that try to stop your healing process.
Facing the fear of being wrong, or different, or unable to function in the old ways-
either temporarily because of grief, or permanently because it no longer fits- is the
way through the grieving-healing process. In grief we are our most vulnerable and
need healthy boundaries and protection. There may be attacks or people pulling on
you, from unusual or even loving sources, which you will have to deflect or cut off.
Facing truth without judgment limits the drama and allows you space to get clear on
who you are, and what you need and want for yourself now. Grief can be a time of
developing great strength in your seeming vulnerability.
Instead of ego protection, which keeps you subject to pain and wounding- real
protection of zero tolerance for inappropriate behavior, can serve you better.
Learning to say no and stop people pleasing at your own expense, is quite healing
and freeing.
This is the time for self-care and nurturing, not surrendering to others. Allow others to
care for themselves and/or ask others for support, when you need all of your energy
to take care of yourself, heal and become strong. We are often not used to doing
this for ourselves, which is why many in our world are sick, in pain and depressed, not
knowing the way out to health and happiness. Yes, happiness is possible on the other
side of grief, and is our guide and salvation.
Without joy there is no beauty or expression of purpose, and experience as humans.
Life is to be lived and experienced with full appreciation and pleasure. If not, you are
living more death, than life.
This is what can happen with unresolved grief; you keep dying inside, and lose
reason to be happy and alive. Being okay when you are not really okay closes you off
from living. Our bodies and minds respond by deteriorating when your life force is
held hostage by unresolved grief and pain. You become hostile or withdrawn, a shell
of your former self. You will have to be the walking wounded for a while and feel your
sadness and pain and work through your loss to get to the other side. It is a possibility
and reality and a gift to experience your precious humanity. Making it okay too quick
is the danger. Honestly it is okay for it not to be okay, and then when you make peace
with that, you can begin to heal. How do we face and go through a most horrible
experience…with tenderness and love. Love is the only healer and reason to be alive.
So love is our compass and comfort, our savior and protector, and the answer for all
questions.
During the healing process; anger, fear, blame, judgment and righteousness may
take center stage. These are true reactions to loss, all of them, along with many other
painful ugly others. This is the not okay part we all experience in our healing process.
There is no psychologizing or spiritualizing it first, we have to let it all out to be seen
so we can face and heal all the pain from our lifetime that is creating the grief now.
Funny how one trauma or loss can be a catalyst to heal many areas of your life and
past. Not so funny when it occurs. Let go of the voices of “I have already dealt with
that.” If it shows up, you still have more releasing and forgiving and loving yourself
through it.
I like to say, it is all good. Which means what has been a hidden wound is now
exposed so you can heal it for all time. These hidden places wreck more havoc than
you can imagine on your day to day life. Anxiety, fear, bad dreams, poor
relationships, bad luck and more, all go away when you are free of these hidden
monsters.
The key in all of this is learning how to process, heal and live through these times.
I have lost much in the eyes of the world. It has been a most challenging and
awakening life. As much pain as I have suffered, I have had so much more joy,
appreciation and love than most. I lived with life and death daily for the first twenty
years of my life. This taught me to honor each moment and person as a gift, to love,
forgive and never retain anger, but make peace with myself and all. I have grieved
many losses in all arenas of my life. I have learned their purpose and not always been
happy about it, yet made peace and moved on with more love and compassion than I
would have imagined. Years of pain and loss mixed with joy and love is what life has
been about. My studies and life purpose have been to assist others on their journey
to complete healing. Grief is an important process to work with. Healing trauma and
drama brings you to full connection with others, self and source, love.
I have seen the results of unresolved problems and pain buried under overwork, food,
drugs, alcohol, shopping, victimhood and martyrdom, controlling personalities,
sickness, depression and pain. There are also subtle results, of people seeming living
a good life, and never happy or comfortable or confident or healthy. Love yourself
enough to be hurting and falling apart in order to see and feel the pain and learn to
break open to become more strong, capable, energetic, peaceful and successful in all
areas of your life and health.
In this time of great change and loss we all are wise to learn to slow down and pay
attention before we make new moves. There are lessons and new directions in
allowing the pain to redirect us to truth and possibility and prosperity. Sometimes
you need to lose in order to gain. I am not so happy with this method, we have no
choice, but I am happy with the results.
In Love and Healing, Janet StraightArrow www.OasisForTheSoul.com
| In Love and Healing, Janet StraightArrow www.OasisForThe Soul.com |
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