On a practical level, I may be the queen of multi-tasking. I'm a Bond Analyst/Affordable Housing Bond Specialist/OptionMethod Teacher/Writer/Publisher/Yogini. And of course, the love of HB's life and mother of Charlee, the Boston Terrier! When it comes to my life as an OM teacher and writer, a really important thing that I want people to know about me is I am simply someone who is sharing powerful lessons that I had the privilege to learn. And while I may be extremely knowledgeable about the Option Method, I am certainly not the expert on anyone's unhappiness. That is something that only each person can be for themselves and Option Method can certainly help to get there. BD: Why did you write The Guru Next Door, A Teacher's Legacy? WD: The short answer is: to honor my teacher, Bruce Di Marsico, and the wonderful teachings of his Option Method. I was fortunate to have met this amazing man when I was in my early 20s, searching for a way to be a happier person and pursuing a career as a therapist (I later decided that being an Option Method teacher was more suitable for me). After studying for a few years, one day I walked into a course he was teaching called “The Myth of Mental Illness”. I was immediately and forever transfixed by what he was saying and I never left him alone for 25 years. During that time I studied with him, was his very close friend and associate. He was a prolific writer and lecturer, but only published for his students. In addition, he did not want to be in the limelight, so Option Method practitioners around the world did not really even know of his existence. He was seriously ill for many years and died when he was only 53. I was thinking of writing a book and one day Bruce's wife, Deborah Mendel, asked me if I would safeguard his writings while she moved house. Once I had them in my possession, the ideas just started flowing. I asked her if I could use his writings in a book and she gave her permission. I was on my way to a wonderful adventure! BD: Is it based on real life experience? WD: Absolutely, it is based on Bruce's actual life and includes his own words from lectures, sessions and written material. In that sense, it is a memoir and even a self-help book. It includes the key philosophical underpinnings of the Option Method as well as demonstrations of how it works. But the main character in the book is actually not Bruce, but a fictional character, called Annie. We follow Annie's life from the time she is a young child over the course of twenty years or so. Annie comes from a dysfunctional family of miserable people and her association with Bruce helps her to see herself and her family in a completely different way. And some of Annie's experiences are based on my own life - certainly my own direct experiences with Bruce, but some of the issues I faced growing up. BD: Can you explain what unhappiness is? WD: Unhappiness is any feeling we have that we don't like. It can be a mild annoyance, a full blown panic attack, jealousy, rage, fear, confusion. I could go on, but you get the picture. In the OM, we don't ever define unhappiness for the person we are working with. We ask them - What are you unhappy about? And we help them to clarify and define so they can pinpoint exactly what is bothering them. We also don't ascribe unhappiness to behaviors. For example, we would never say - “You slapped your son, therefore that means you are unhappy”. If we really want to learn about someone's unhappiness, we have to be a blank slate and simply ask, “Were you unhappy about that?” “What is there about that you were unhappy about?” BD: How does guilt interfere with our happiness? WD: That's actually a good OM question that I may borrow and ask someday! Guilt is feeling bad about not feeling bad when we think we should. It is basically the anti-happiness feeling and comes from the belief that happiness can be bad for us. You can see how that might tie in with how we feel about our desires. You've heard the expression “guilty pleasures”. We feel good about wanting things but then feel we shouldn't. We want things and then we say we are bad for wanting things. So what does that do to our happiness? It squelches it. One of the biggest reasons people are unhappy is because they judge and push down their desires. Including their desire to be happy! Then they wonder why they are so unhappy. It's a very mean thing to do to ourselves, when you think about it. What if we could be more loving and trusting of our desires? Wouldn't that be wonderful!!!! BD: What is the Option Method? WD: I love that question because it is always challenge to answer. And after being involved with this way of thinking - yes, OM is a way of thinking - I am always having new insights about it. OM starts from the perspective that unhappiness is a direct result of how we think and not what happens to us. Specifically, it helps us to uncover the beliefs behind our unhappiness. I am not talking about beliefs about the practical world, such as “I believe the mail will arrive before noon”. I mean core beliefs about ourselves and our ability to be happy. For example, here are some core beliefs behind unhappiness that I have heard over the years. “I am bad for myself”. “If I wasn't unhappy, I would not do anything to change the situation (that I don't like), “So and so is responsible for my unhappiness”. Just hearing these beliefs, it is easy to see how they would lead to unhappiness. The interesting thing is that when people are unhappy, they are not in touch with these beliefs at all. It takes loving, non-judgmental questions to uncover them. BD: How do we move from dependence on the adults we grew up with to independence? WD: The most direct route to independence from anything is to deal with any unhappiness around it. First and foremost. And as I've said before, don't assume unhappiness exists just because of the behavior. So many times, people focus on re-engineering everything around them to change themselves or others in the situation, without dealing with the fear (or whatever word they use to define their unhappiness). When we stop being unhappy, we are free to do whatever we want. And the truth is, it may not even be what we first imagined we wanted. It is important also to appreciate the value of dependence in our lives and what that really means. And not to judge it. All during our lives, the dependence/independence ratio with our parents changes. In the early years, we are totally dependent upon them and in the later years, they may be totally dependent upon us. Practical dependence is not a problem per se unless we are unhappy about. Emotional dependence is something else altogether. The book deals with this in great detail. In fact, Annie's emotional dependence on her mother's happiness is a key influence in her life and something she needs to overcome to literally move on. BD: How do we begin to trust our own inner voice over those adults' voices we have internalized? WD: Barbara, that is THE question and I am so glad you asked it. This is pretty much going to be the focal point of my next book. It goes back to the second question you asked about why I wrote the book. It is exactly to answer this question. So, everyone, read the book and you'll find out!! My observation about the people I work with, as well as myself from time to time, is that we ignore our own voice as if it didn't count. As if it didn't matter. What I have come to understand is that our own voice is so natural to us, like our own heartbeat, that we take it for granted. And like the heart, it's like a muscle that needs to be exercised to stay in shape, right? If we continually discount our own voice, it loses elasticity. It becomes rigid and useless. The good news is that it can be revived moment to moment (unlike our hearts which cannot recover from a prolonged state of rigidity). That is our single most precious gift - that our own voice is always there, but it is our choice to exercise it. So how to begin? What if we could see ourselves as the adult we are now instead of the child we once were, who really no longer exists? In my writing of this book and my work with OM, I have taken the powerful step of becoming the teacher, for example. You have no idea how that has jet-propelled me into a very, very happy place. BD: How do we just choose to be happy? WD: By understanding how and why we choose unhappiness. We only do that because we want happiness. We are always choosing happiness, really. Sometimes we are just misguided. We think we actually have to do something to make it happen. We think it's about power, when it's really about trust. I think we have lost faith that happiness will simply come to us - that it is our natural state. So we “use” unhappiness, or “choose” unhappiness to make sure we move in the right direction. Bruce used to say we believe it's the prime motivator, like holding a gun to our own head and saying: “Forward March!”. BD: What is the one action we can take today to begin to choose happiness? WD: Look for situations where you get unhappy and ask yourself these questions: What am I unhappy about? What is there about that, that I am unhappy about? What would I be afraid would happen if I were not unhappy about that? Why do I believe that? OR, just do it!!!!!

On a practical level, I may be the queen of multi-tasking. I'm a Bond Analyst/Affordable Housing Bond Specialist/OptionMethod Teacher/Writer/Publisher/Yogini. And of course, the love of HB's life and mother of Charlee, the Boston Terrier! When it comes to my life as an OM teacher and writer, a really important thing that I want people to know about me is I am simply someone who is sharing powerful lessons that I had the privilege to learn. And while I may be extremely knowledgeable about the Option Method, I am certainly not the expert on anyone's unhappiness. That is something that only each person can be for themselves and Option Method can certainly help to get there.

BD: Why did you write The Guru Next Door, A Teacher's Legacy?

WD: The short answer is: to honor my teacher, Bruce Di Marsico, and the wonderful teachings of his Option Method. I was fortunate to have met this amazing man when I was in my early 20s, searching for a way to be a happier person and pursuing a career as a therapist (I later decided that being an Option Method teacher was more suitable for me). After studying for a few years, one day I walked into a course he was teaching called “The Myth of Mental Illness”. I was immediately and forever transfixed by what he was saying and I never left him alone for 25 years. During that time I studied with him, was his very close friend and associate. He was a prolific writer and lecturer, but only published for his students. In addition, he did not want to be in the limelight, so Option Method practitioners around the world did not really even know of his existence. He was seriously ill for many years and died when he was only 53. I was thinking of writing a book and one day Bruce's wife, Deborah Mendel, asked me if I would safeguard his writings while she moved house. Once I had them in my possession, the ideas just started flowing. I asked her if I could use his writings in a book and she gave her permission. I was on my way to a wonderful adventure!

BD: Is it based on real life experience?

WD: Absolutely, it is based on Bruce's actual life and includes his own words from lectures, sessions and written material. In that sense, it is a memoir and even a self-help book. It includes the key philosophical underpinnings of the Option Method as well as demonstrations of how it works. But the main character in the book is actually not Bruce, but a fictional character, called Annie. We follow Annie's life from the time she is a young child over the course of twenty years or so. Annie comes from a dysfunctional family of miserable people and her association with Bruce helps her to see herself and her family in a completely different way. And some of Annie's experiences are based on my own life - certainly my own direct experiences with Bruce, but some of the issues I faced growing up.

BD: Can you explain what unhappiness is?

WD: Unhappiness is any feeling we have that we don't like. It can be a mild annoyance, a full blown panic attack, jealousy, rage, fear, confusion. I could go on, but you get the picture. In the OM, we don't ever define unhappiness for the person we are working with. We ask them - What are you unhappy about? And we help them to clarify and define so they can pinpoint exactly what is bothering them. We also don't ascribe unhappiness to behaviors. For example, we would never say - “You slapped your son, therefore that means you are unhappy”. If we really want to learn about someone's unhappiness, we have to be a blank slate and simply ask, “Were you unhappy about that?” “What is there about that you were unhappy about?”

BD: How does guilt interfere with our happiness?

WD: That's actually a good OM question that I may borrow and ask someday! Guilt is feeling bad about not feeling bad when we think we should. It is basically the anti-happiness feeling and comes from the belief that happiness can be bad for us. You can see how that might tie in with how we feel about our desires. You've heard the expression “guilty pleasures”. We feel good about wanting things but then feel we shouldn't. We want things and then we say we are bad for wanting things. So what does that do to our happiness? It squelches it. One of the biggest reasons people are unhappy is because they judge and push down their desires. Including their desire to be happy! Then they wonder why they are so unhappy. It's a very mean thing to do to ourselves, when you think about it. What if we could be more loving and trusting of our desires? Wouldn't that be wonderful!!!!

BD: What is the Option Method?

WD: I love that question because it is always challenge to answer. And after being involved with this way of thinking - yes, OM is a way of thinking - I am always having new insights about it. OM starts from the perspective that unhappiness is a direct result of how we think and not what happens to us. Specifically, it helps us to uncover the beliefs behind our unhappiness. I am not talking about beliefs about the practical world, such as “I believe the mail will arrive before noon”. I mean core beliefs about ourselves and our ability to be happy. For example, here are some core beliefs behind unhappiness that I have heard over the years. “I am bad for myself”. “If I wasn't unhappy, I would not do anything to change the situation (that I don't like), “So and so is responsible for my unhappiness”. Just hearing these beliefs, it is easy to see how they would lead to unhappiness. The interesting thing is that when people are unhappy, they are not in touch with these beliefs at all. It takes loving, non-judgmental questions to uncover them.

BD: How do we move from dependence on the adults we grew up with to independence?

WD: The most direct route to independence from anything is to deal with any unhappiness around it. First and foremost. And as I've said before, don't assume unhappiness exists just because of the behavior. So many times, people focus on re-engineering everything around them to change themselves or others in the situation, without dealing with the fear (or whatever word they use to define their unhappiness). When we stop being unhappy, we are free to do whatever we want. And the truth is, it may not even be what we first imagined we wanted. It is important also to appreciate the value of dependence in our lives and what that really means. And not to judge it. All during our lives, the dependence/independence ratio with our parents changes. In the early years, we are totally dependent upon them and in the later years, they may be totally dependent upon us. Practical dependence is not a problem per se unless we are unhappy about. Emotional dependence is something else altogether. The book deals with this in great detail. In fact, Annie's emotional dependence on her mother's happiness is a key influence in her life and something she needs to overcome to literally move on.

BD: How do we begin to trust our own inner voice over those adults' voices we have internalized?

WD: Barbara, that is THE question and I am so glad you asked it. This is pretty much going to be the focal point of my next book. It goes back to the second question you asked about why I wrote the book. It is exactly to answer this question. So, everyone, read the book and you'll find out!! My observation about the people I work with, as well as myself from time to time, is that we ignore our own voice as if it didn't count. As if it didn't matter. What I have come to understand is that our own voice is so natural to us, like our own heartbeat, that we take it for granted. And like the heart, it's like a muscle that needs to be exercised to stay in shape, right? If we continually discount our own voice, it loses elasticity. It becomes rigid and useless. The good news is that it can be revived moment to moment (unlike our hearts which cannot recover from a prolonged state of rigidity). That is our single most precious gift - that our own voice is always there, but it is our choice to exercise it. So how to begin? What if we could see ourselves as the adult we are now instead of the child we once were, who really no longer exists? In my writing of this book and my work with OM, I have taken the powerful step of becoming the teacher, for example. You have no idea how that has jet-propelled me into a very, very happy place.

BD: How do we just choose to be happy?

WD: By understanding how and why we choose unhappiness. We only do that because we want happiness. We are always choosing happiness, really. Sometimes we are just misguided. We think we actually have to do something to make it happen. We think it's about power, when it's really about trust. I think we have lost faith that happiness will simply come to us - that it is our natural state. So we “use” unhappiness, or “choose” unhappiness to make sure we move in the right direction. Bruce used to say we believe it's the prime motivator, like holding a gun to our own head and saying:

“Forward March!”.

BD: What is the one action we can take today to begin to choose happiness?

WD: Look for situations where you get unhappy and ask yourself these questions:

1. What am I unhappy about?
2.What is there about that, that I am unhappy about?
3.What would I be afraid would happen if I were not unhappy about that?
4. Why do I believe that? OR,

just do it!!!!!

Inner Realm

Monthly Feature

Wendy Dolber has been involved in Option Method training and consultation since the early 1970s. She met Bruce Di Marsico, the creator of the Option Method, in 1971 at a private institute devoted to training group psychotherapists and lay counselors. She was associated with Bruce for over twenty-five years as his student, associate, and close friend.

Following Bruce's death in 1995, Wendy began working to create a platform to expand the dissemination of his teachings and writings. The Guru Next Door: A Teacher's Legacy is the first of three books to be published. Option Method is the cornerstone of Wendy's life and worldview. She has spent the last three decades immersed in the practice of the Method for her own personal growth and happiness. Additionally, she has worked with clients all over the world.

In her primary occupation as a leading affordable housing bond analyst, she uses Option Method principles to successfully navigate the challenging and ever-changing corporate environment. As a Managing Director for a major financial services company, Wendy has authored many articles on affordable housing finance. Through the years, she has

written as well about the

Option Method, most recently on OptionMethodNetwork.com. She also contributed to The Option Method: Unlock Your Happiness With Five Simple Questions, by Bruce Di Marsico, a posthumous publication edited by Deborah Mendel, Bruce's widow.

Wendy has received ongoing recognition in the affordable housing industry for her work, and well as by The New Jersey State Council on the Arts, for fiction writing. She makes her home in northern New Jersey. www.TheGuruNextDoor.com

Barbara DeGraw: For those readers who may not know who you are, Who are you?

Wendy Dolber: Well, at the core, I'm just a person who wants to be happy and help others to be happy. When I say “happy”, I mean open-grateful-non-judgemental, unconditionally loving kind of happy, not “I-got-what-I-want-so-now-I'm-happy” kind of happy.