An interview with Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D.
Conscious Parent
Barbara DeGraw:
For those of our readers who may not know who you are, who are you?
Shefali Tsabary: I am a licensed clinical psychologist who was trained at
Columbia University, New York. Having grown up in India, I was exposed to
Eastern philosophies at an early age. As a result I am able to infuse my
therapeutic approach - which is grounded in Western thought - with the
Eastern foundations of mindfulness practice. In addition to my private practice
in New York I also lecture on Conscious Parenting and Mindful Living both in
the US and around the world.
BD: Why did you write “Conscious Parent?”
ST: This book was inspired by my both my own personal journey as a mother as
well as my professional work with parents and families. It was written in
response to a void I observed in the material that was being offered to parents.
While books on "technique" and the "how to's of child-rearing" inundate the
market, I find that there are few that focus on the spiritual evolution of the
parent. It is this focus - on the "raising of the parent" - that I hope will set
this book apart from others. Once we begin to turn the spotlight on the inner
growth and conscious awakening of the parent, then the entire parental
premise undergoes a metamorphoses. The traditional notion of the "greater
than" parent loses its power and instead, the child becomes the parent's
spiritual partner. When the potential of such mutual empowerment is
underscored then the parenting journey becomes as much, if not more so,
about the spiritual and emotional transformation of the parent as it does the
child.
BD: What is conscious parenting?
ST: Conscious parenting encompasses a philosophy of introducing the daily
practice of mindfulness into the parent-child relationship. It is a philosophy
rooted in the understanding that our children are born to us so that we may
rise to our highest potential as spiritual beings. The conscious parent
understands that our children act as the mirrors of our internal emotional
state. If we are willing to be aware of the reflection they offer to us, then we
realize that we are offered a precious gift: the opportunity to regenerate and
renew our present-moment consciousness and evolve to a more mindful, aware
and awakened state of relatedness.
BD: .What is the importance of accepting our children?
ST: Learning to accept our children in their as-is state is often confused to
mean that we should be permissive and passive in our role as parents. This is
not what is meant by acceptance. To accept our children's as-is state implies
that we must try to unconditionally accept our children's being-ness - who they
are at their core. This acceptance often requires that we forgo our expectations
of who they should be and our fantasies of who they should become. This
acceptance requires an active surrender of our own egoic desires and longings.
It implies that we constantly examine our motives in raising our children - are
we raising them out of our own egoic needs or are we truly responding to their
spiritual and emotional needs? It is in the mindful awareness of the difference
posed by this question that we will raise our children as they need us to and
most importantly we will learn to raise ourselves into the parents our children
need us to become.
BD: How do we release them from our approval? Seeking our approval?
ST: When used mindfully, approval can be used as a means of education.
However, we parents often unconsciously use approval and disapproval as a
means of controlling our children. While "bad" behavior certainly needs to be
corrected in a swift and effective manner, our children need never feel as if
they have shaken the foundation of our acceptance of their being-ness. As
parents we really don't have the right to approve of who are children truly are.
Only they have this right. Yes, we must teach them how to behave
appropriately and compassionately, and give them the tools to succeed in life,
but then, after a certain point, they have the right to make their choices and
suffer their own consequences. We parents often presume a dictatorial control
over our children, albeit in subtle ways, and through this, attempt to have
them live out our hidden expectations. It is here that approval-giving becomes
a means of dominance rather than education.
BD: If a parent grew up in dysfunction, for example, let's say they don't feel
they are “enough”, how does that parent consciously raise a child and make
them feel ”enough?”
ST: As parents we owe it to our children to try our best to work on ourselves to
reach a state of inner wholeness and fulfillment. The more emotionally
integrated and grounded we are, the more aware we will be of our inner state.
This awareness will help us to raise our children to manifest their own inner
divinity as opposed to living out our unfulfilled dreams. I believe that no
matter how dysfunctional our upbringing was, we have the power to heal our
wounds through the activation of our own consciousness. If we are willing to
begin walking the path of awareness, we can create "good-enough-ness" in our
children and pass on an emotional legacy of health and wholeness no matter
what our own childhood was.
BD: How does a child who has been given that message of “you are not
enough” resolve that feeling and become healthy again?
ST: Children are infinitely resilient. They have the power to restore their
original state of goodness provided they are provided with the environment to
do this. Of course, if they have been overwhelmed with a sense of not-good-
enoughness, then combating this will be hard to do. Yet, it is our responsibility
as caregivers to let go of the past and look at ways we can start again - in the
present moment. A renewal of consciousness has a limitless ability to heal and
restore even the most broken of spirits.
BD: Does a parent have to resolve all their “issues” before having children?
ST: No, not at all. In fact, there are certain "issues" that will only be
discovered upon having children. We cannot seek perfection because this is
illusory. Instead, we need to view our evolvement as a continuous process of
self-discovery - one where having children is yet another opportunity to grow
and transcend the old patterns. There is no perfect parent and no perfect child.
Our children will always evoke our unconsciousness and the goal is not to
eliminate unconsciousness (because we simply cannot) but instead to infuse
our lives with consciousness. Having children is one more opportunity to learn
to do this.
BD: What about allowing our children to feel their feelings? Should we protect
them from feeling “bad” feelings?
ST: Our children feel all if not more emotions than we adults. We should
definitely "allow" them to feel all they feel. I try not to label feelings as "bad"
or "good" - they are just feelings. However, the expression of feelings may be
"negative" or "positive." We are social beings so we definitely need to teach
our children how to manifest their feelings in a manner that is prosocial and
mindful. It is here that we parents can play an important role.
BD: Do we do that as a society, protect everyone from feeling “bad” feelings?
Doesn't that hurt us in the long run?
ST: We are scared of pain and this is why we avoid and suppress "bad"
feelings. However, pain is just pain and once we accept it as such, we will be
able to live emotionally integrated lives. We are always going to experience
pain at some point or another. Instead of avoiding pain, we need to learn and
teach our children how to cope with it in an emotionally healthy manner.
BD: What is one action we can take today to begin becoming a conscious
parent?
ST: We can learn to lessen our need to react. Instead, we can take a pause.
Keep the feeling but lose the reactions. It is in this tiny pause that we can
breathe and introduce the power of mindfulness. One tiny pause before
reacting.
Conscious Parent
Barbara DeGraw:
For those of our readers who may not know who you are, who are you?
Shefali Tsabary: I am a licensed clinical psychologist who was trained at
Columbia University, New York. Having grown up in India, I was exposed to
Eastern philosophies at an early age. As a result I am able to infuse my
therapeutic approach - which is grounded in Western thought - with the
Eastern foundations of mindfulness practice. In addition to my private practice
in New York I also lecture on Conscious Parenting and Mindful Living both in
the US and around the world.
BD: Why did you write “Conscious Parent?”
ST: This book was inspired by my both my own personal journey as a mother as
well as my professional work with parents and families. It was written in
response to a void I observed in the material that was being offered to parents.
While books on "technique" and the "how to's of child-rearing" inundate the
market, I find that there are few that focus on the spiritual evolution of the
parent. It is this focus - on the "raising of the parent" - that I hope will set
this book apart from others. Once we begin to turn the spotlight on the inner
growth and conscious awakening of the parent, then the entire parental
premise undergoes a metamorphoses. The traditional notion of the "greater
than" parent loses its power and instead, the child becomes the parent's
spiritual partner. When the potential of such mutual empowerment is
underscored then the parenting journey becomes as much, if not more so,
about the spiritual and emotional transformation of the parent as it does the
child.
BD: What is conscious parenting?
ST: Conscious parenting encompasses a philosophy of introducing the daily
practice of mindfulness into the parent-child relationship. It is a philosophy
rooted in the understanding that our children are born to us so that we may
rise to our highest potential as spiritual beings. The conscious parent
understands that our children act as the mirrors of our internal emotional
state. If we are willing to be aware of the reflection they offer to us, then we
realize that we are offered a precious gift: the opportunity to regenerate and
renew our present-moment consciousness and evolve to a more mindful, aware
and awakened state of relatedness.
BD: .What is the importance of accepting our children?
ST: Learning to accept our children in their as-is state is often confused to
mean that we should be permissive and passive in our role as parents. This is
not what is meant by acceptance. To accept our children's as-is state implies
that we must try to unconditionally accept our children's being-ness - who they
are at their core. This acceptance often requires that we forgo our expectations
of who they should be and our fantasies of who they should become. This
acceptance requires an active surrender of our own egoic desires and longings.
It implies that we constantly examine our motives in raising our children - are
we raising them out of our own egoic needs or are we truly responding to their
spiritual and emotional needs? It is in the mindful awareness of the difference
posed by this question that we will raise our children as they need us to and
most importantly we will learn to raise ourselves into the parents our children
need us to become.
BD: How do we release them from our approval? Seeking our approval?
ST: When used mindfully, approval can be used as a means of education.
However, we parents often unconsciously use approval and disapproval as a
means of controlling our children. While "bad" behavior certainly needs to be
corrected in a swift and effective manner, our children need never feel as if
they have shaken the foundation of our acceptance of their being-ness. As
parents we really don't have the right to approve of who are children truly are.
Only they have this right. Yes, we must teach them how to behave
appropriately and compassionately, and give them the tools to succeed in life,
but then, after a certain point, they have the right to make their choices and
suffer their own consequences. We parents often presume a dictatorial control
over our children, albeit in subtle ways, and through this, attempt to have
them live out our hidden expectations. It is here that approval-giving becomes
a means of dominance rather than education.
BD: If a parent grew up in dysfunction, for example, let's say they don't feel
they are “enough”, how does that parent consciously raise a child and make
them feel ”enough?”
ST: As parents we owe it to our children to try our best to work on ourselves to
reach a state of inner wholeness and fulfillment. The more emotionally
integrated and grounded we are, the more aware we will be of our inner state.
This awareness will help us to raise our children to manifest their own inner
divinity as opposed to living out our unfulfilled dreams. I believe that no
matter how dysfunctional our upbringing was, we have the power to heal our
wounds through the activation of our own consciousness. If we are willing to
begin walking the path of awareness, we can create "good-enough-ness" in our
children and pass on an emotional legacy of health and wholeness no matter
what our own childhood was.
BD: How does a child who has been given that message of “you are not
enough” resolve that feeling and become healthy again?
ST: Children are infinitely resilient. They have the power to restore their
original state of goodness provided they are provided with the environment to
do this. Of course, if they have been overwhelmed with a sense of not-good-
enoughness, then combating this will be hard to do. Yet, it is our responsibility
as caregivers to let go of the past and look at ways we can start again - in the
present moment. A renewal of consciousness has a limitless ability to heal and
restore even the most broken of spirits.
BD: Does a parent have to resolve all their “issues” before having children?
ST: No, not at all. In fact, there are certain "issues" that will only be
discovered upon having children. We cannot seek perfection because this is
illusory. Instead, we need to view our evolvement as a continuous process of
self-discovery - one where having children is yet another opportunity to grow
and transcend the old patterns. There is no perfect parent and no perfect child.
Our children will always evoke our unconsciousness and the goal is not to
eliminate unconsciousness (because we simply cannot) but instead to infuse
our lives with consciousness. Having children is one more opportunity to learn
to do this.
BD: What about allowing our children to feel their feelings? Should we protect
them from feeling “bad” feelings?
ST: Our children feel all if not more emotions than we adults. We should
definitely "allow" them to feel all they feel. I try not to label feelings as "bad"
or "good" - they are just feelings. However, the expression of feelings may be
"negative" or "positive." We are social beings so we definitely need to teach
our children how to manifest their feelings in a manner that is prosocial and
mindful. It is here that we parents can play an important role.
BD: Do we do that as a society, protect everyone from feeling “bad” feelings?
Doesn't that hurt us in the long run?
ST: We are scared of pain and this is why we avoid and suppress "bad"
feelings. However, pain is just pain and once we accept it as such, we will be
able to live emotionally integrated lives. We are always going to experience
pain at some point or another. Instead of avoiding pain, we need to learn and
teach our children how to cope with it in an emotionally healthy manner.
BD: What is one action we can take today to begin becoming a conscious
parent?
ST: We can learn to lessen our need to react. Instead, we can take a pause.
Keep the feeling but lose the reactions. It is in this tiny pause that we can
breathe and introduce the power of mindfulness. One tiny pause before
reacting.
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| Inner Realm Monthly Feature |
This book turns the traditional notion of parenthood on its head; shifting the epicenter from a linear, parent-to-child relationship, to a mutual, circular, parent-with-child, relationship. In this new paradigm, the focus of the parenting dynamic is not so much on the spiritual and emotional development of the child, as it is of the parent. Here, the child is recognized not only as the emotional receiver of its parent's psychological and spiritual legacy, but as the usher of its parent's psychological and spiritual transcendence. Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D., received her doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University, New York. Dr. Shefali was exposed to Eastern mindfulness at an early age and integrates its teachings with Western psychology. It is this blend of East and West that allows her to reach a wide audience around the world. Her ability to appeal to both a psychologically astute audience and a consciousness-driven one, marks her as one of a kind. Dr. Shefali has worked with a varied demographic; from survivors of the Tsunami to women from a third-world country; from inner city youth to suburban families; from the elderly and infirm, to corporate leaders. In addition, she has lectured extensively on Mindful Living and Conscious Parenting around the world. She currently has a private practice in New York where she works with clients across the spectrum. Her first book, "It's a Mom: What you should know about the early years of motherhood" was released by Penguin and debuted on the Indian bestseller list for four weeks. This is her second book. Book release date is October 15th. www.globalid.com www.namastepublishing.com |
