Aging or Ageless?

As regular readers of this column may know, I have special interest, experience and caring for all facets of the male experience in the physical, emotional and spiritual realms. I feel honored to be privy to the experiences of so many men as they navigate the life cycle with all of its rewards and challenges. Men of all ages, when given the opportunity, can express healthily what is important to them and how they struggle with deep choices in every aspect of their lives. One of my favorite sayings is, “What makes us similar is infinitely greater than what makes us different.”

I have listened to men and I have listened to women and I continuously use my personal journey and experiences, particularly with my wife, to be aware of how to live well in this world. As we go through our lives, as conditions change internally and externally, as we “age” we tend to ask more and deeper questions. Particularly we men who are among the millions of baby boomers, are at a stage where we are looking for help and support to look at all aspects of our lives as we literally get older.

Yet, even getting “older” or “aging” are concepts that mean different things to different men. Walter Bortz, MD, in his book Dare To Be 100 defines aging as “the effect of an energy flow on matter over time. It is inevitable.” Perhaps, but it's still for us to choose how we use or misuse “energy flow” in service of our physical, emotional and spiritual bodies. Besides, I truly believe that the age numbers are a construct and we each bring a different concept to the number. What 47, 56, 62 or 103 mean to you may not be what those ages mean to me. As an example, 103 is the age at which my father-in-law died of old age, healthy and lucid till the end, and this has given me great optimism and definition of what “age” can be. Somebody else can do the opposite and bring a very negative construct to the age of 62. It actually angers me to hear people using the cliches, “I'm not what I used to be”, “What do you expect, we're getting old”, “I don't know how much time I have left”, “I can't do what I used to do” etc. It's the judgment and spirit we bring to this that affects us more than the reality of the changes themselves.

Andrew Weil, MD, has become a well known voice for integrative medicine which is a healing oriented form of medicine that is based on both conventional and alternative therapies.  His book, Healthy Aging, proposes philosophical and practical ways of looking at our “aging” which in a sense becomes “ageless” if followed consciously. Weil talks a lot about the antiaging business. Weil states, “To my mind all this represents attempts to deny or mask the outward signs of aging. It is non-acceptance of aging, one of the great obstacles to doing it gracefully….My bottom line for now is that these theoretical breakthroughs serve only as distractions from what's important - namely, learning to accept the inevitability of aging, understanding its challenges and promises, and knowing how to keep minds and bodies as healthy as possible while moving through life's successive stages.” Weil says, “I hope that you will discover and enjoy the benefits that aging can bring: wisdom, depth of character, the smoothing out of what is rough and harsh, the evaporation of what is inconsequential and the concentration of true worth.”

My own strongest recommendation here is Jed Diamond's book, Male Menopause. Diamond is a psychotherapist and educator who teaches that considering ourselves as whole men, not just body parts, is the only way to go in pursuing a healthy life and way of being in the world. We men have been conditioned and socialized to value ourselves and be valued by others for what we do and how well we do it. If we tie our value to money and physical, social and sexual prowess, or what we own, inevitably we will be disappointed, frustrated and depressed. As we age, if we look at our value based on who we are, not what we do, the possibilities for expansion and growth are infinite.

It is not hard for us men to focus on making time stand still or even go backwards by becoming focused or even addicted to the next product or activity that offers an image of youth, or by following the change or thrill of money, toys or sex. The real truth is, whether we acknowledge it easily or not, the activities and materials of our younger lives were different from what sustains us and nourishes us in our later lives. Rather than find what is truly satisfying such as relationships, unselfishness and spirituality, we may try to fill voids with more of what never works. Jed Diamond exhorts us, “Men, your family needs you, your friends and community need you, the planet needs you. If you are willing to be you and give what only you can give, the modern world has some exciting tools to enhance your health and vitality from now until the end of your time.”