The Fence of Defense

It occurred to me lately how our defenses form a wall around us, much like a fence. However, except for the play on words, this fence is more like a fortress that surrounds us. It is a fence made up of boulders, each one piled precisely on the other, forming a structure that is solid, invulnerable and almost impenetrable. It is high, thick and strong. It is composed of beliefs, attitudes, judgments, thoughts, rationalizations, fears, manipulations and any other form of mental control that we exert. It is our defense against all the hurts we have experienced.

Every time we have a wounding experience, a thought comes in right behind it, saying something like, “This isn't safe so I'm not showing that part of me again.” and another boulder piles on. The experience might have created deep hurt, betrayal, and, worst of all, shame. The mind responds by finding ways to never feel that again, and in the process a piece of us gets shut down.

The beliefs and all the other mechanisms that we create are our attempt to feel safe and to protect ourselves from the hurts of the world. It works for a while, but in the long run, if the wall is high enough and thick enough, it eventually causes us more pain than what we are trying to run from. That is because each one of those boulders creates a gap between you and you. What happens is that the personality, protected by this thick wall of defenses, goes out to meet the world, while the real you, the innocent, vulnerable you, is inside, hidden behind that thick wall. Sometimes it is so thick that the outside you loses all contact with the one inside. That creates real pain, physical, emotional and mental.

Check out for yourself how many times you say yes when you want to say no, you take care of someone/something because you “should”, you smile when you feel like crying, you don't share your feelings truthfully, you behave in ways that compromise you because you are afraid to be rejected. These are a few examples of how we behave in ways that disconnect us from our true inner self and each of these behaviors is a defense, because underneath there is a fear that if we do what we really feel, we will not be liked, will not belong, will not be loved.

It can wreak havoc with your health, your life and your relationships. The body can go into dis/ease due to the underlying malaise. Although the personality may be successful, underneath there is an emptiness, a depression, or a feeling of “something is missing,” and this can create unconscious conflict in the body.

And what does it do to your relationship when you don't let the other one in behind your wall? Obviously, your partner never gets to know who you really are. All the communicating and relating and even loving is between the other (who may or may not have his/her own wall) and a you who has created a wall of defenses to protect your vulnerability. At this point, many will be saying, “Why not?” The answer is simple. You are denying yourself and the people in your life the beauty of who you really are and in so doing, you are not being intimate, not sharing true connection. Who you are is what you feel. Feelings are what define us as  humans beings.

By not allowing your vulnerability, you are not being authentic. You are not being the fullest you that you can be. You are presenting to your partner a person who is a composite of  mind games, distractions and defenses. You are not presenting the innocence of your heart, the yearning of your soul, or the clarity of your mind. Which one would you want to be in relationship with?